The Grease Filks
by The Hermione Granger Fan Club
Summary: The first Grease filk is a bit dumb, and doesn't rhyme properly, but the others aren't bad. Fans of Grease and Harry Potter will like this.
1. The Grade That I Want

The Grade That I Want   
  
A filk to the tune of 'The One That I Want' from Grease   
  
SETTING: The library. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are studying for the O.W.Ls and Ron isn't thinking too positively.   
  
RON: "I've got chills, they're multiplyin' and I'm losing control! All this pressure the teachers are applying- it's electrifing!"   
  
HERMIONE (is getting really sick of Ron): "You'd better shut UP! 'Cause I need this grade to keep my parents satisfied!  
  
HARRY (joins in): "You'd better shut up, I kinda need this grade so my broom I can keep to ride! *let's just say Snape convinced Dumbledore to confiscate Harry's Firebolt if he didn't get enough O.W.Ls* It's the grade that I want!"   
  
HERMIONE (laughing in astonishment): "Harry!"   
  
RON (snickering, but joining in): "The grade that he wants!"   
  
HARRY: A good one! The grade that I neeeed, oh yes indee-eed- it's the grade that I want!"   
  
HERMIONE (amusedly, not singing): "All A's, I take it?"   
  
RON: "That's the grade that YOU want, Hermione! We'll just be lucky to get through the year-"  
  
HARRY (getting all hysterical, singing again): "Oh, just shut UP! I NEED this grade to play in the season next year!"   
  
RON (offended): "Well, sorreeee! Just giving her *jabs a thumb at Hermione* my opinion as a peer!"   
  
HERMIONE (giggling): "The grade that you want! Come on boys, this is getting silly-"   
  
RON AND HARRY TOGETHER (hotly): "NO! We won't stop singing badly like hillbillies."  
  
HERMIONE (sniffily): "The grade that you need isn't in si- i- inging-"  
  
HERMIONE, RON AND HARRY TOGETHER: "The grade that we want!"   
  
Disclaimer: Grease and 'The One That I Want' belongs to whoever made them up. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley belong to the fabulously talented Joanne Rowling. As does the library. 


	2. Shiny Firebolt

Shiny Firebolt   
  
A filk by The Hermione Granger Fan Club to 'Greased Lightening' from the motion picture, Grease   
  
Setting: Harry is examining his Firebolt in the company of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.   
  
HARRY (looking closely at Firebolt with the team bending over his shoulder): "Why, this broom is automatic-"   
  
Everyone strikes a stupid pose except Harry, still looking at the broom.   
  
HARRY: "Hydromatic-"  
  
Katie Bell and Oliver Wood give each other weird looks, but strike stupid poses like everyone else.   
  
HARRY: "It could even be quadromatic..."   
  
The music grinds to halt. Alicia Spinnet raises her eyebrows at Harry.   
  
ALICIA: "Quadromatic?"  
  
HARRY (defensively): "Hey, why don't YOU try and come up with three words ending in 'atic'?"   
  
ALICIA: "Sorry."   
  
Music starts up again.   
  
HARRY: "It might even be... A SHINY FIREBOLT!"   
  
George Weasley is trying furiously not to crack up, but he manages to keep a relatively straight face.   
  
HARRY, OLIVER, GEORGE AND FRED: "Go shiny Firebolt, racing past the other brooms!"  
  
They look expectantly at Angelina, Alicia and Katie, who glance exasperatedly at each other- they can't believe they got roped into this.   
  
ANGELINA, ALICIA AND KATIE (reluctantly): "Go go Firebolt, gooo shiny Firebolt!"   
  
HARRY, OLIVER, GEORGE AND FRED: "Go shiny Firebolt, leaving them plenty of room!"   
  
ANGELINA, ALICIA AND KATIE (snickering at the absurdly bad lyrics): "Go go Firebolt, gooo shiny Firebolt!"   
  
HARRY, OLIVER, GEORGE AND FRED: "You are supreme, the chicks all scream-"  
  
The Chasers look slightly offended at being referred to as 'the chicks' but sing half-heartedly.   
  
ANGELINA, ALICIA AND KATIE: "GO SHINY FIREBOLT!"   
  
The music ends and everyone stops striking stupid poses.   
  
FRED: "I dunno about you lot, but that was the stupidest thing I've ever had to do. Exactly how much are we being paid?"  
  
HARRY: "Nothing."  
  
FRED (outraged): "NOTHING?"   
  
HARRY: "You know these fanfic jobs. They pay peanuts! But, hey, we need the loose change between books."   
  
FRED (muttering): "I'd take peanuts over nothing any day."  
  
ANGELINA: "Yeah, I sympathise-"   
  
OLIVER: "OH MY GOD!"   
  
Everyone looks at him.   
  
KATIE: "What, Oliver?"   
  
OLIVER: "WE'RE LATE FOR PRACTICE! Come on team, let's go!"   
  
The team exit.   
  
Disclaimer: 'Greased Lightening' belongs to whoever wrote it and the Gryffindor Quidditch team (bless their little fanatical hearts, I do love 'em) belong to their creator, Joanne Rowling. 


	3. Hermione

Hermione  
  
A filk by The Hermione Granger Fan Club to the song 'Sandradee' from the motion picture, Grease   
  
Lavender and Parvati are doing their nails late at night while Hermione is trying to sleep.   
  
PARVATI AND LAVENDER: "Auuuugh!"  
  
HERMIONE (sits up): "What? What?"   
  
LAVENDER: "I broke a nail!"   
  
PARVATI: "She broke a nail!"   
  
HERMIONE (really ticked off): "Grrrrrr..."   
  
LAVENDER: "Can't you fix it Hermione, pretty please? You must know some sort of charm for this dire situation!"   
  
HERMIONE (irritably): "NO! Remember, Lavender, no magic without a teacher present *Author's Note: That's not a Hogwarts rule but work with me here, people!*. Besides, I might botch it. Heaven knows I usually look up charms to help with more important matters than my nails!"   
  
Lavender and Parvati look mutinous. Hermione sighs and gets up.   
  
HERMIONE: "I'll never get back to sleep now. I think I'll study. I left that Transfiguration text in the common room, didn't I?"   
  
She exits. Lavender scowls, then pouts.   
  
LAVENDER: "I'm getting really sick of her..."  
  
Giggling, Parvati hands her a pile of books. Lavender jumps up, messes up her hair with one hand and bares her front teeth to exaggerate them *OK, I KNOW that Hermione had her teeth shrunk, but this is just dumb ole' Lavender's idea of letting the world know who she's imitating*.   
  
LAVENDER (in loud, nasal voice): "Loook at me, I'm Hermione! I am really uppity! Won't practice med 'til it's all in my head, I can't, I'm Hermione!"   
  
PARVATI: "I won't drink, I won't drive!"  
  
LAVENDER (stares at her): "Well, even WE don't know how!"   
  
PARVATI (not singing): "Oh, yeah!"   
  
Lavender is really getting into it. She drops the books, smooths down her hair and ondoes it so that it falls down her back like Parvati's. Parvati suddenly stops smiling.   
  
LAVENDER: "Loooook at may, I'm Parva-TAY! Sure, I was brought up that way! Won't lend my lippy *Author's Note: Lav'n'Parv speak for lipstick or lip gloss* I'm such a hippie! I am, I'm Parva-TAY!"   
  
Hermione walks in. Turns out she's been listening outside the door for the whole song.   
  
HERMIONE (tauntingly): "You making fun of me, Lavender?"   
  
Hermione snickers suddenly, pulls up her hair behind her head in a high ponytail like Lavender's and jumps onto a bed.   
  
HERMIONE (pointing at Lavender): "Look at her, she's Lavender! Hair fit only for a wig vendor!"   
  
Parvati doubles up laughing in spite of herself. Lavender looks rather hurt. She picks up a strand of hair and examines it doubtfully.   
  
HERMIONE: "She's crude and she's dumb, can't add up a sum, oh no, she's Lavender!"   
  
Disclaimer: *sigh* I love making fun of the Ditsy Chicks (my name for Lav'n'Parv. 'Hermione' is my favourite of all The Grease Filks. OK, 'Sandradee' (which is hilarious) belongs to whoever wrote it and Hermione (my role model), Parvati, Lavender, their dorm and anything you recall from The Best Books On Earth belong to Joanne Rowling. 


	4. Quiditch Lovin'

Quidditch Lovin'   
  
A filk by The Hermione Granger Fan Club to the song 'Summer Lovin'' from the motion picture, Grease   
  
Setting: The History of Magic classroom has a guest speaker- Oliver Wood, there to give a speech on Quidditch throughout history. Harry and his class, however, are more interested in what it's like to play on a professional Quidditch team.   
  
OLIVER: "...and so, that's everything I, er, have to say on the modern Quaffle. Any questions?"   
  
HARRY: "What's it like to work for a real team?"  
  
RON: "Yeah, what do you get paid?"   
  
NEVILLE: "When was your first game?"   
  
OLIVER (lightens up): "Well, I-"   
  
PARVATI (bats her eyelashes): "Yes, someone who loves Quidditch as much as you do should share his expertise with the world!"  
  
OLIVER (determinedly): "All right, I'll tell you all about my first paid game-"   
  
This weird, doo-boppy music starts coming out of nowhere.   
  
OLIVER: "I'm Quidditch loving, it happened so fa-ast! Quidditch loving, I been having a blast! I got this broom, I went Keeping-crazy!"   
  
No one has the slightest idea what the hell he's talking about but they listen politely.   
  
OLIVER: "You see, this broom... WAS COOL AS CAN BE! Training days just drifted away but, oh, those championship nights!"   
  
The students are getting into it and begin to ask questions...   
  
STUDENTS: "Well, well, well... tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
RON (interestedly): "Will you be a star?"   
  
STUDENTS: "Tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
LAVENDER: "Do you get a free car?"   
  
Everyone gives each other exasperated looks at Lavvie's dumbness.   
  
GIRLS: "Uh huh!"   
  
BOYS: "Dee doo!"  
  
GIRLS: "Uh huh!"   
  
BOYS: "Dee doo!"   
  
GIRLS: "Uh huh!"  
  
BOYS: "Doo doo, doo doo doo!"   
  
OLIVER: A Beater flew by me, crashed into a ramp! I got all nervous, my forehead got damp!   
  
Some people give Oliver these 'we-didn't-really-need-to-hear-that' looks that he doesn't see. But hey, this is certainly a lot more interesting than regular classes!   
  
OLIVER: "Tension so thick, a giant could drown! A Chaser punched me, I punched him about! The Hogwarts days seemed so far away, ooh-ooh whoa, on this championship night!"   
  
STUDENTS: "Well, well, well... tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
DEAN: "Any REALLY gross sights?"   
  
STUDENTS: "Tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
HERMIONE: "Was it much of a fight?"   
  
GIRLS: "Oh, doobie doo, doobie doo *A Note: Corny, ain't it? Well, I didn't write the original, people!* doobie doo doobie doobie doo wa!"   
  
BOYS: "Uh huh, uh huh-huh, uh huh, uh huh-huh huh!"   
  
OLIVER: "This little Scotsman whose na-ame was Jock, his mother called him back before ten o' clock!"   
  
Many snigger appreciatively.   
  
OLIVER: "Little things made up the century's fling, ooh whoa, this Championship night!"   
  
STUDENTS: "Well, well, well... tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
SEAMUS: "Were souveniers in bags?"   
  
STUDENTS: "Tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
HARRY: "If I can't get one, it'll be a drag!"   
  
STUDENTS: "Shoo bop-bop *Ick, I can't believe I'm writing this* shoo bop-bop, shoo bop-bop, shoo bop-bop, shoo bop-bop, shoo bop-bop, shoo bop-bop yeah!"   
  
OLIVER: "Things weren't friendly, foul play at hand. Someone's tooth was knocked out, straight to the sa-and!"   
  
Lavender and Parvati look a bit green.   
  
OLIVER: "Real heat as opposing teams meet, ooh whoa, on Championship night!"   
  
STUDENTS: "Well, well, well... tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
RON (excitedly): "How much time didja spend?"   
  
STUDENTS: "Tell us more, tell us more!"   
  
HERMIONE (sarcastically): "Well, sure as hell they weren't friends!"   
  
OLIVER: "Well, we WON and that's where it ends. We partied all night with our friends. Then I vowed I'd win heaps more. After all, it's personal law. Training days te-end to cease, but... but- THOSE CHAMPIONSHIP NIGH-IGHTS!"   
  
STUDENTS (hopefully): "Tell us more, tell us more?"   
  
OLIVER (not singing): "Well, that's every bit of time I have. Goodbye and remember... SUPPORT PUDDLEMERE!"   
  
He leaves.   
  
RON: "Hell, no. I'm a Cannons man."   
  
Disclaimer: The longest Grease filk yet, is 'Quidditch Loving. 'Summer Lovin'' belongs to whoever and the Gryffindors and anything you recognise from the Harry Potter series belong to a genius named Joanne Rowling. Oh, and I had to remove various lines where I couldn't think of anything to replace them, so that's why it sound a bit weird. 


End file.
